Summary
In The Complete Husband, Lou Priolo seeks to explain all the New Testament commands given to husbands.[1] Priolo, an experienced professional counselor admitting to much indebtedness to author and counselor Jay Adams,[2] has produced a useful book for either personal or group study and a good resource for pastors and counselors.
The Complete Husband has fourteen chapters that can be summarized in three parts: Knowing Your Wife (chapters 1-4); Loving Your Wife (chapters 4-10); and Leading Your Wife (chapters 11-14).
Beginning with Peter’s command for husbands to dwell with their wives “according to knowledge” (I Peter 3.7), Priolo contends that it is the husband’s responsibility to draw out of his wife’s heart the “owner’s manual” for understanding her well—and then to make written notes as needed on what he learns.[3] Using God’s personal revelation to man as a model, [4] Priolo calls for transparency by the husband, that he may elicit the same from his wife. He cautions husbands against hindrances of fear, selfishness, pride, laziness, and ignorance.[5] It will be a lifelong study, in which the subject will vary like a river’s path, but greater unity and intimacy will result. In chapter 3 he suggests many topics of spousal communication; then in chapter 4 develops five lessons drawn from scripture on how to become a more effective communicator.
Upon this foundation the author next develops the central Pauline command to husbands, “Love your wife as Christ also loved the church” (Eph. 5.25). He first constructs a biblical definition of love in pp. 87-90, viz.: “giving others what they need without having some temporal reward as the primary motive.”[6] He asserts then, that the opposite of biblical love is not hate, but selfishness.[7] Loving one’s wife also means knowing how to solve problems biblically–by exercising forgiveness (chapter 6) and resolving conflicts (chapter 7). This chapter also carefully applies peacemaking principles from Romans 12.17-21 to the marital relationship. Love also means endeavoring to please your wife, Priolo argues in chapter 8 (based on 1 Cor. 7.33), which essentially is continuing to court her. The complete husband also lovingly leads his wife in sanctification (chapter 9), and unselfishly meets her needs in the physical relationship (chapter 10).
The last four chapters are generally built upon the concept of a husband leading his wife as her spiritual head. This involves protecting her as the weaker vessel[8] from dangerous things (he lists numerous potential hazards).[9] Noting also that Peter says that she is to be honored, he offers several attitudes that will build her esteem properly.[10] He explores the ramifications of biblical headship in chapter 13, summarizing it as “servant leadership.”[11] He warns against the proclivity of fallen womanhood to try to control their husbands.[12] The final chapter encourages the reader who encounters difficulty to endure, have patience, and wait for future grace.
The appendices begin with a gospel presentation, and then offer many practical helps in communication, leadership, and marital harmony.
Critique
Without question, the book’s greatest strength is its unapologetic reliance upon Scripture to address the problems husbands face. An experienced[13] nouthetic counselor,[14] Priolo is clearly convinced of 2 Timothy 3.16-17, that the scripture is the means by which the man of God is made complete. His own statement is that it is “a reference book of practical theology… a workbook designed to train Christian husbands how to implement specific biblical commands.”[15]
The author shows theological training in discussing concepts of “countenance” (p. 64), forgiveness (74), and a biblical definition of love (pp. 85-90).
The work has a gospel center, believing that real biblical counsel cannot begin without the gospel being believed by both counselor and counselee. Priolo does not let the reader go beyond his Introduction before raising this issue. [16] Further gospel appeals are made in chapters 5 and 14.
Another strength of the book is the author’s sometimes surprising transparency in illustrating points, such as his admission in chapter 3 that he had just had a conflict with his wife in which he had disobeyed the very things he planned to write about in that section![17] Later, he recounts overcoming anger against his wife as he applies the principle of overcoming evil with good.[18]
The book teaches well, often summing up prior lessons to build upon.[19] It also counsels well, sometimes using the dialectic method of question and answer,[20] which helps to defuse the critical reader somewhat while drawing him into the conversation. It has some humor sprinkled within, such as the author’s discussion of the influence of Midwestern and Southern dialects on his native New York accent.[21] It defines terms well and practically, and shows appropriate restraint and dignity in discussing sexual relations in marriage.[22] Though it appears he is a conservative evangelical, it is interesting that Priolo warns against what he calls “dangerous music,” noting that “even some of today’s so-called Christian music is filled with weak (if not heretical) theology.”[23]
There are a few minor weaknesses. The author may have relied upon Adams and his works too heavily.[24] For example, he says in chapter 7 that “virtually everything I’ve written in this chapter I’ve ‘learned and received and heard’ from my friend and mentor (and fishing buddy), Dr. Jay E. Adams.”[25]
More significant was his assertion that the right way to deal with an angry response to a situation is to “by the Holy Spirit, release the anger toward the problem.”[26] The scripture cited in this connection, 1 Peter 4.11, really has no bearing on the issue.
Chapter 8, which is based on 1 Cor. 7.33 (“But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife”), is the weakest in the book in that the verse is given imperative weight it was never meant to support. Nonetheless, these weaknesses are minor compared to the overall value of the book.
Benefits for Counseling Others
I found the book personally beneficial. Since so much of my counsel is based on what I have personally learned, permit me to be more personal here. I was initially skeptical of the book, feeling that the author was arrogant. He warned readers that the book might make us angry,[27] and to a certain degree, he was right in my case. Nonetheless, I tried to interact in good faith with the book, including the assignments at the end of chapters. I worked through these personally and then with my wife. I also am aware that my marriage, while generally quite happy, can be improved, as I am still far from the ideal of The Complete Husband!
The interviews I conducted with my wife produced some beneficial results. First, I was encouraged to find that in some areas she did not view me to be quite as deficient as I thought she would. Perhaps she was just being kind or I caught her on a good day, but I often graded myself a bit lower than she did. Happily, love covers a multitude of sins.
Second, it forced conversation between us on topics that are hard to discuss and outside our usual conversation patterns. While these conversations were sometimes painful (especially for me!), my wife appreciated my submission to evaluation for improvement in areas that perhaps she had come to expect little change in after twenty years of marriage.
Third, I was encouraged to continue with more purpose in discipling and encouraging my wife in her walk with the Lord. While she is a godly lady, the reminders and encouragements in Chapter Nine strengthened my resolve to be a good example to her and do more to encourage her spiritual growth. I agree with R. C. Sproul’s statement, “Her sanctification is his responsibility.”[28]
Priolo’s applications of Ephesians 5.23, “he is the savior of the body,” were wide-ranging and I guessed that I might have some resistance from my wife in a few of the areas he listed.[29] To my surprise, my wife embraced my willingness to be her protector in all of these areas, with no offense.
So, even hardheaded men like me can be helped as they read this book. Given to prospective grooms in the premarital context, it will give an idea of the breadth of responsibility the young man is signing up for.
Chapter 4, “A Crash Course on Biblical Communication,” featured five lessons to become a more effective communicator. These were valuable enough that I have shared them with my prayer meeting group over three Wednesdays. I can see these used again in marriage counseling and a number of other ways.
Some of the appendices have already been helpful. A couple I counseled and married recently came back for a follow-up session, and the husband remarked that he wished I had provided more resources as something of an emergency toolkit for specific situations in marriage. Initially I was at a loss to reply; however, I found shortly afterward that appendices B-G[30] addressed just the things to what he was asking about, and I was grateful to be able to provide these for him.
The Complete Husband is a solid resource on Christian living and marriage.
[1] Lou Priolo, The Complete Husband (Amityville, New York: Calvary Press Publishing, 13.
[2] Ibid., 134.
[3] Ibid., 15.
[4] Ibid., 18ff.
[5] Ibid., 19-24.
[6] Ibid., 90.
[7] Ibid., 90.
[8] Ibid., 184.
[9] Ibid., 187-200.
[10] Ibid., 207-11.
[11] Ibid., 225.
[12] Ibid., 219-221.
[13] Ibid., 294. The biographical sketch says, “Lou has been a full-time biblical counselor and instructor for over fourteen years.”
[14] Ibid, 66. He begins his sentence, “We nouthetic counselors like to relate this story….” Also on p. 294 he is credentialed as a Fellow of the National Association of Nouthetic Counselors (NANC).
[15] Ibid..
[16] Ibid., 11.
[17] Ibid., 49.
[18] Ibid., 123-25.
[19] For example, see p. 207.
[20] For example, see how he hammers out a biblical definition of love with this method in pages 87-90.
[21] Ibid., 184-86.
[22] See Chapter 10.
[23] Ibid., 197-98.
[24] See paragraph quote on 107.
[25] Ibid., 134 and first endnote, 139.
[26] (p. 69, illustration caption).
[27] Ibid., 11.
[28] Ibid., 155.
[29] Ibid., 186-200.
[30] Ibid., 247-281. The appendices include “Guidelines for Asking Questions of Your Wife;” “Common Ways in Which Husbands Sin Against Their Wives;” “Specific Ways to Demonstrate Love to Your Wife;” “How to Instruct Your Wife in Gentleness;” “Guidelines for Giving Directives to Your Wife;” and “Things to Say to Defuse an Argument with Your Wife.” Other topics dealt with are “Righteous Anger Vs. Sinful Anger;” “Hints, Suggestions, and Attitude Helpers About Sex;” and “Sorting Our Responsibilities.”
